A letter to my first client

Dear B,

          Years ago, you came to me with a tremendous fear and I did the same! You were my first client ever! I didn’t know how to sit, I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what to do. Even in those days I could not speak English much.

You were so anxious, I was anxious too. You didn’t have much eye contact with me for weeks. You just looked at the wall, cried and ...cried and cried. You told me about your suicidal thoughts, and I told you how much I care about you. I even told you that I don’t know how to tell you that I like you so much! I prayed for you every night! Even though I’m not religious, I knew that I need some extraordinary power! I knew what I learned in college was not enough. I looked at your eyes every week and I told you, you are so lovable, you are worthy and you are enough, while I was telling myself the same thing. We talked, cried together, laugh together, and we were healing in silent, very slowly.

We both observed our remarkable changes. Safety came from the door and fear left to the window. One day you told me that you don’t deserve to be punished by your thoughts and feelings. You deserve a happy life and my answer to you was just my tears, happy tears. Every week you came with new news! You went to the college, you got a job, you started to eat healthier …. no more hopeless talks …. to me it was a miracle. I didn’t know what happened or how it happened but I just felt phenomenal happiness. We worked together for eighteen months and you flew from your nest, and I sent my prayers and thoughts after you. Yes, you were ready to fly by yourself.

With every success in my therapy sessions I felt that I won a lottery. I had a dream many times that I was driving fast and I am very surprised. I tell myself I don’t know how to drive, what’s going on?! Yes, that was my feeling in those therapy sessions.

          Dear B, today after many years, I am still the same person, with all my limitations and insecurities, BUT with a big difference. Now I know the winning number in the lottery. I know what was that extraordinary power and I know what happened between me and you.

          Change happened because we both accept each other’s' vulnerabilities. I accepted who you are with all your limitations and you accepted my imperfections. I saw your fear and I told you I am here for you and you saw me and you told me you are enough.

          If you ask me, “What is the key?" I will tell you “the courage to be vulnerable, to show up and be seen.”

 I grow with my clients. When I see their fear, their sadness, and their pain, I believe we can get over of it, as long if we accept each other the way we are! 

–    The ordinary Jila