How to make a bridge when political differences come up between couples?

As usual, EFT has a good answer to this difficult question.

Let me tell you my story. Years ago, my son came home from kindergarten and asked for a Christmas tree. My husband’s immediate response was “No. We are not Christian. We don’t celebrate Christmas. We have our own Persian New Year.”  I got upset and started to argue with him. “This is not about religion. He wants to be like the other kids. Everybody talks about Christmas at school! I don’t want him to feel alone and different.”

 “What’s wrong with being different?! This is a good opportunity for him to practice being comfortable with who he is without being worried of not fitting in.”

Until that day I thought my husband and I were on the same page on everything. It was scary for me to see how he didn’t hear me. This bitter argument happened every year close to Christmas and I felt he was getting more and more stubborn, he insisted on showing his disapproval and the result on my side was to buy a bigger tree and more decorations.

Thanks to EFT, one year I tried to see the whole picture and not just the cycle. I listened to him and to myself with curiosity. My husband grew up in a very liberal family. They were proud for being revolutionary. They fought what they saw as being against their values, even if it was part of their culture, religion, or family traditions. He grew up with the belief that he does not need to fit in. That he is enough.

I noticed he didn’t want to show his parents our Christmas tree, and for the first time I saw his pain. By celebrating Christmas, he was not loyal to his family’s values. It was not about a tree or our son or me, it was about his values and the shame he had for not being himself.

And I listened to my own story too. Parenting has always been my hot spot. Because of my own trauma in my immigration journey I tried hard to protect my kids so they didn’t feel like outsiders. I was dealing with my own guilt for raising our kids in an unusual environment, how can I take this simple thing from them, if it helps them feel normal.

When I realized how we both were trying to be our best and our reaction was not to each other or to the Christmas celebration, but to our fears, everything shifted.

We still have our Christmas tree every year but I deeply appreciate my husband’s flexibility. I am not expecting him to help me pick up the tree or put on the lights. His flexibility is more than enough for me and of course when he heard my fears and internal struggles it helped him accept me as well. At the end, we know that both of us want the best for our kids!

Years passed and I had an Iranian American couple in my office. The Iranian wife, Trump supporter, was shouting that, “I live in a free country! I can support my party! nobody can tell me I am wrong! I have a sticker on my car for supporting Trump and I am proud of myself! Nobody can control me anymore! I support Trump and I want everybody to know that! I am not hiding myself anymore!”

The husband held his head desperately, “How is this possible?! Jila, this is a nightmare. I love my wife but it is impossible to accept this, no no no! this is against all my values!”

I had to deal with my own emotions first, I noticed a wave of anger, anxiety and judgment in my body. Thanks to EFT, I took a deep breath and tried to find my attachment lens.

Jila, this is not about you and your values! Don’t get stuck on the content. They are in pain, powerful, old, real pain. Listen to them carefully. It was as if my husband and I were sitting in front of me.

 “I hear lots of anger, frustration, fear … this is so hard. I am confused just like you guys. Let’s slow down.” I turned to the wife, “You are saying ‘nobody can control me anymore! I am free now!’ It sounds like you had this experince before? Can you help me understand what happened before? When did you feel you were not free?

She was born in a minority religious in Iran and she had to hide her faith for years because they were not safe there. When she came to the US she promised herself that she would never ever let anybody force her to hide her beliefs.

I dug more and she shared her stories of horrible childhood trauma just because of her faith. While she was sharing her stories he was shaking, in tears, holding her hand, “How can I be mad of you anymore! How can I judge you…?”

We continue our work. Political difference was not their issue anymore, I just checked with them out of curiosity. They said they still didn’t agree with each other on politics and they support different parties. “Sometimes we talk about our ideas, sometimes we just let it go. It is sad, but not painful anymore.” 9/7/2020